I recently read an article titled, "7 Things That Good Mothers Do That I'm Not Going to Do Anymore," http://www.themid.com/family/7-things-that-good-mothers-do-that-im-not-going-to-do-anymore?u=JIOdvDkxzs and I have to say it was so refreshing and inspiring. So, on that topic, I would like to add to her liberating and empowering list with a few things that I additionally will no longer do.*
1. Share the bathroom with voyeurs and visitors. For the last 5 years, I have almost never had the pleasure of being in the bathroom alone. My son insists on sliding into the small space between the toilet and the wall as I'm relieving myself, and will scream and force himself into the wedge if I try to push back. I'm like a bouncer at a boy band concert trying to hold back a hysterically obsessed maniac. My daughter insists on throwing open the shower curtain with dramatic flair to announce that she found the shoes for her princess doll and will act completely put off if I have the audacity to take offense to her invasion. From now on, they can kick and scream at the door all they want. My time in the bathroom is mine. My husband gets a whole glorious half and hour all to himself every day while he takes a dump. He demands it as a requirement for his physical health. It is mandatory and non-negotiable. So, if he can have his half an hour, I'm taking my 5 to 10 minutes. And my kids should learn now that everyone deserves privacy and alone time, that no one is ever obligated to be at their beckon call especially to the detriment of their own physical needs.
2. Share my food with people who will otherwise go on a hunger strike than eat their own meal. This is probably the time when my children are the biggest hypocrites. My son would be the perfect war prisoner because he absolutely refuses to eat and will fight to the death. He would rather starve than eat one spoonful of whatever it is I'm serving that day. But the minute I sit down with my own meal, he is all over me trying to get at it and will scream and grab the bowl until I give him a bite. It is insanity. So, from now on, my meal is mine and yours is yours. Eat it, don't eat it, whatever but you're not getting mine. I need all the calories I can get if I'm going to continue the daily slave labor that is motherhood. And my belief has always been that a hungry child will eat what you put in front of them eventually. They won't hold out forever. But sending the message that you can have whatever you want whenever you want it at the expense of other people's comfort and needs is the wrong message in my opinion.
3. Referee every confrontation. I increasingly, as my son gets older, spend more time dealing with their confrontations. There are days when I feel like all I get done is separating, mediating, negotiating and solving problems between them. So from now on, with the exception of inflicted actual physical harm, I am letting them sort it out themselves. Kids need to learn how to advocate for themselves and work out conflict on their own. It is unrealistic to think there will always be someone there to fight your battles for you. The world doesn't work that way unless you can afford to keep a lawyer on retainer. So, I am moving from referee to coach. I will teach them the tools they need to communicate and problem solve effectively but I'm not going to do it for them anymore. Kids have an innate sense of justice that dissolves over time when they learn that they can just run to mommy for a quick solution to their problem. I would rather build on the sensibilities they were born with and develop them into strong effective individuals than cripple them into helpless cry babies because my trigger is to have peace as quickly as possible. The house might be louder but in the end, I know they will be better off.
4. Feel guilty for not "playing" with my kids everyday. I do a lot for my kids everyday. I take them to all of their extra-curricular activities, I lead my daughter's Girl Scout troop, I plan birthday parties from scratch, I home school, I go to great lengths to make sure my kids have access to as many developmental toys and books as possible....it's a lot. But I do it because I am wholly invested in their development. So why do I feel guilty if I don't "play" with them every day? My kids are great at independent play, one on one play with their peers and group play. They are well developed in all areas of play. And yet, I feel guilty if I'm not on the floor playing with them. My husband and I "play" differently. He is wonderful at silliness and imaginative, creative play. He will design an elaborate obstacle course for the Hot Wheels cars out of objects found around the house and he will happily wear a tutu on his head as a wig. He will go along with whatever silly pretend play the kids want to do and they LOVE him for it. But I'm a more serious, intentional type of "player." I play games, do puzzles, read books, color and do art projects or take the kids some place to engage in an activity. My "play" has to have purpose. It is almost painful for me to have to "play house" or "babies" or "doll house" or "princess." My husband and I have different personalities. We're individuals and I feel like it should be not only okay, but wonderful that my kids are exposed to a balanced type of play, getting different things from the both of us. And yet, I feel guilty that I'm not a "pretend player." I can't change who I am. I can't be all things to all people. And I think trying to be something you're not instead of embracing who you are sends the wrong message to kids. I'm a human being with preferences, interests, needs, strengths and weaknesses and I want my kids to see me that way instead of some blobulous mom mass that they can mold into whatever person they need at that moment. I don't want to feel guilty anymore that I'm not the all-mom. I'm a good mom, I'm a very good mom. But I'm not a perfect mom and it's better that they find that out now and learn how to accept it. It will help them in their relationships down the road to accept people for who they are and not put unreasonable expectations on people. Honesty about who we are in relationships makes for more healthy relationships.
5. Bend over backwards to please. The lifestyle of my children has an ever-growing rider that becomes more ridiculous by the day. I am not a personal assistant or concierge. In fact the sum of my legal obligation to these children is to keep them clean, fed, healthy and safe. Beyond that, I don't really have to do anything. But, what I find is that, I am doing more and more every day to fulfill their comfort needs and requests. When we go anywhere in the car, and I mean anywhere, for even five minutes we have to take drinks. Max has to have a 1 to 4 ratio of water to apple juice. He refuses to drink it otherwise. We also have to bring snacks. But, they have to be either graham crackers but only the chocolate kind, or fig newtons. They will not accept Goldfish or animal crackers or any other type of cracker or cookie. At lunch, Mariella must have her sandwich cut into four squares. Even though she is capable of eating the sandwich as a whole, she will refuse. At bed time, Max must have his 1 to 4 juice water, his dolly and his particular blanket. He will not go to bed without these things. Mariella must wear a certain type of pajamas, she must have her doggy and she must have only certain blankets and sheets. The music must be on and the light at a certain level. At breakfast, Max will only eat a certain type of cereal. He will not accept any substitutions or alternatives. At all meals Mariella must have a fresh glass of cold filtered water from the fridge. She absolutely will not drink water any other way. Even if it sat there for five minutes, it must be refreshed. Also in the car Mariella must have her Leap Pad or her father's Kindle. She claims she cannot survive without one or both of these items. At bath time, the water has to be at the perfect temperature or else it is considered unsuitable. And only a specific light can be turned on, the shower curtain has to be closed half way, and she must have a specific list of toys. In addition, she must have a certain type and color of scrubby, but also a wash cloth but it must be a soft one. If it's scratchy she won't use it. At breakfast, Mariella must have a glass of orange juice filled to the same point every day. If it's too little or too much, I am notified of her disapproval. When Max goes down for a nap, Mariella demands her quiet time which I personally approve of. However, it must be in the spare bedroom, with her princess dolls, a drink and two Oreo cookies. This must be the same every day. If we run out of Oreo cookies, I risk getting fired. Max must have Greek yogurt at every meal and at snack time. But it must only be certain flavors. I love that my children are strong people who know what they want and can articulate that. But as you can see, their expectations have become unreasonable and unless they become Kardashians I'm not sure how they are going to continue this lifestyle after I'm dead. So, I think it is important to teach them about reasonable expectations but also the independence to fulfill some of their needs on their own. In many other ways my children are incredibly grateful and easy to please. They don't care that their toys and clothes are used or that we go to Chuck E Cheese instead of Disney World. They are happy children. But, their list of required creature comforts have gotten a little out of control.
I love my children with my whole being. They are a part of me. But I fear some times that I am losing a sense of myself as I become more submerged in the world of my kids and their demands and expectations. Who will I have become when they leave home? How will they ever know the real me? My kids are loving, polite, caring and sweet people. But I also want them to be considerate, compassionate, empathetic and thoughtful. It is my job as a mother to make sure they become well-balanced, effective members of society. It is not my job to cater to their every whim and they will never become well-balanced and effective if I continue to do so. And I will be a shell of my former self by the time their grown. We as mothers can give ourselves to our children without giving everything we have. And it should be no one's expectation that I sacrifice my whole self and all of my energy to my kids lest I be a "bad mom." Maybe the old adage, "less is more" really is the way forward for motherhood.
*(I agree with Anderson on all points with one exception. I will continue to buy the best quality food for my kids even if it costs a little more. I agree that overspending on the fashion trend of "organic" can get ridiculous and we need to be scrutinous on this issue because as mom's we are not only beholden to our children's health but also the family budget. But, I think it is important to buy local, buy in season, buy all natural and buy as much whole food as possible. If you can get it organic, great, if not, there are other ways to improve your family's diet without breaking the bank. But effort needs to be made. We can't give up on this movement towards better food).
